Move Me or Make Me Move

I don't play the guitar. Or the bass. Or piano. Or anything. Can't even read music worth a darn. I faked my way through the group recorder performance in fifth grade (I moved my fingers and pretended to blow). I am also a lousy singer.

Which is a great injustice because I love music more than anything in the world. Hell, I got into acting because it's music adjacent (music videos). I'm a good actor because I can shuffle my emotions by shuffling my playlist. Music affects me like nothing else can. Even when the song has nothing to do with me, when it deals with situations and emotions I've never had to deal with, I still find something inside myself responding to it.

I can feel music with every piece of me, but I can't make it. There's a story of my life somewhere in there.

Opposing Politics Does NOT Equal Dead Cat, People

Maybe I've been hardened from a childhood of finding roadkill of Florida streets or it doesn't get to me because I've never had a pet cat, but I did not find the picture of the cat killed with 'Liberal' written into its side visually graphic. Horrible and heart-breaking, oh yes, but not graphic. What made me nauseous (this is not hyperbole, I was physically nauseous) was the violence. Not the photo of it (though it was extreme), but the idea of it. That someone would not only kill, but mark an animal incapable of political leanings as a message to the cat's owner makes me so ill and so angry I could scream. This someone is the lowest of the low. Hasn't there been enough goddamn violence in politics already, like Gabby Gifford's shooting for instance?

While I would like to think about all the horrible physical pain I want this criminal to go through, I would prefer his (if the criminal turns out to be a woman, I will come back and edit this) punishment to be psychological (because he is a psychopath clearly). Don't get me wrong, I want his ass hunted down and put behind bars for the next forever or so ASAFuckingP. But what I really want is his face shown on every major news show from here to the BBC (who will get it everywhere because they are cool like that). I want his visage to become so well-known that his picture shows up on bar dartboards and in every animal rights brochure, prompting people to give a ton of cash to shelters and animal rights organizations.

But most of all? I want this to be the wake-up call. I want this act of heinous violence against an innocent creature to make politicians see that their rhetoric of hate and anger is doing far more to fuck with people's heads than anything they vilify. Isn't there enough violence in the world and our country over money, religion, bigotry, etc. without politics coming into the ring? I hope to every god there is or isn't that this will be the turning point and political rhetoric will tone it the fuck down before this violence escalates any farther than it has.

Please.

In a Storm, in My Best Dress: Fearless

Wil Wheaton, on his blog and in his book Just A Geek, talks about one of the voices in his head whom he deems Prove to Everyone. I have a voice too (as separate from my People), I call her 'Don't Look Like An Idiot'. I spent a good portion of my childhood being mocked for my appearance and this has left a mark on my psyche. Not for sympathy do I say this, but for exposition. She is the voice in my head who wants me to always be composed, whenever around other people. She demands dignity and grace. She has her place. At fancy restaurants, in most work situations, she is welcome. Not so at auditions or while acting AT ALL.

My friend Katherine and I used to joke that we got into acting to 'be paid to look stupid'. But I've heard time and time again from directors that I need to go further, to let myself go. And I try, I honestly do. But Don't Look Like An Idiot holds me back. "If you make a stupid face, they won't think you're pretty enough to hire', 'don't look dumb, then everyone will laugh at you, 'better not let yourself completely go, remember to keep in control at all times'.

I suppose that's what this leads back to. Control. I'm scared to be out of control, so I don't drink (one of many reasons anyway) and I don't tell ANYONE the whole truth and I hide parts of me because they're messy and gross and stupid. But acting is about using ALL of me to make a character, the messy bits too.

So I have a theme for this year, not a resolution. My theme is 'Fearless'. That's what I need to be. Fearless to look stupid or make silly sounds or make ugly faces at an audition if that's what's called for or fucking go dancing in the rain in the middle of the street on my own. When did I stop doing that? That was super fun. Hey look, it's raining now... *smiles*

Zero is Not a Size

I am terrified of Hollywood.

Wait, that's probably not true. I am terrified by the concept of Hollywood. Namely, their obsession with thinness as beauty. I am relatively thin (compared to my relatives) and can fit into size 8 or 10. Considering I spent most of my teenage years being a size 14/16/18, I see myself as quite trimmed down and a good deal healthier (I can eat carrots without ranch dressing and celery without cheese whiz!)

But I am not and will never be a size 2. And as the title (taken from One Tree Hill) states, zero is not even a size as far as I'm concerned. It's impossible for me; and I don't mean that in a 'I will never' sense, I mean that in a I physically could never' sense. Big-boned isn't just an excuse, my skeletal frame would not fit into size 2 clothing.

Where Hollywood scares me is this: it's not all about talent. I'm talented (am I Meryl Strep? Hell no, but I can carry my own on a stage or a screen), but that may not matter. And coming from a background of theatre, that terrifies me. In theatre, if you can sing that high note no one else can, you get the part. If you have the right energy and can retain lines, grab a script! But this Wood of Holly that I'm desperate to work in focuses on 'The Look'. I'm an average-sized brunette with hazel eyes. This makes me just like about ten thousand other girls who want to work onscreen.

Now it's a numbers game. How many of those girls are going out for this part? How many can remember the lines and not screw up the audition? (here's hoping I'm in that category as well) How many will say yes if the part is offered to them? And on and on, ad nauseaum.

If you'll excuse me, I think I have to listen to "A Chorus Line" now. Ad nauseaum.

Country Music Singers Have Always Been a Real Close Family

There's something that country music awards shows have that all other award shows do not: a sense of family.

Sure, there's generally plenty of love at awards shows: the losers love their fellow nominees (and if they don't they keep that private most of the time) and are happy for them (most of the time), the presenters love the performers, and the winners love everybody. But it doesn't feel like one giant family, like country music award shows do. The people who spend the year listening to the songs and watching the music videos may have their favourites, but they still love every one who steps unto that stage to collect an award. As someone once said about fan conventions (a whole 'nother post) and I paraphrase now: it's not an awards show, it's a goddamn family reunion.

First off, it's a little less formal than your average award show (at least any that aren't run by MTV). The men wear vests and ties, yes, but they're also wearing blue jeans. The ladies may wear full length gowns, but they're also just as likely to walk the red carpet in a cocktail dress. And look fabulous doing so I may add.
When the winner's name is announced and they make their way to the stage, there's few handshakes or those manly slaps on the back, no it's full-on hugs for everyone. And so often those acceptance speeches include their fellow nominees, not in the 'honor to be nominated alongside sense' (though there's that too), but thanking them for the duet they sang together which won earlier that night, or for believing in them when their career was just beginning.

Maybe it's just a Southern thing, but I could care less who takes home the shiny award since I'm a fan of everyone in country music (I've even come around to the Zac Brown Band again).

Quick Update

Sorry, lovelies, but I have been NaNoing my head off (it's in the corner reading a book). The upside of that is that my word count (and strangely my novel) are coming along well. Downside is I've been neglecting this blog. Come December that wil change, but I thought I'd do a quick update anyway.

Job situation: Did an extras gig on Grimm, but nothing seasonal and/or part time yet. Still sending out applications and hoping.
Love life: Haha, you're funny if you think I have one.

There's a Kane concert in a week, so I'll see my friends then. I believe that is all. In case I don't see you, have a lovely Thanksgiving or as the British call it Thursday!

Why I Wish I Was a Graffiti Artist

Well, to be honest, I'm jealous and impressed by all who can take the pictures in their heads and make it a reality. More power to them, seriously. Now, here I mean those who (for whatever reason) use the walls of industrial downtowns to express themselves and let the world know they were here. I do not mean those who leave gang signs. It is the former category that I wish I was a part of. I want a can of paint of a spray can to be my way of telling people about my world.

I want to do silly things, like add a B to the front of the Roadway trucks because I'm a theatre nerd. Or make references to country songs like writing 'Billy Bob loves Charlene' in John Deere Green letters three foot high on a water tower. But I also want to do meaningful things (at least to me) like inscribing the names of all the friends I've lost (count is up to nine at this point) somewhere people will see it and know the names of people who did such wonderful things and meant so much to me and mine.

Also, as a graffiti artist you can make lasting art on your own terms. You don't need to wait for a gallery showing or craft fair (or in my case being cast in something) to have a piece of you that is seen by hundreds (maybe thousands depending on where you are) of people or just a few that wander by, that's power. There's a magic in that.