Wil Wheaton, on his blog and in his book Just A Geek, talks about one of the voices in his head whom he deems Prove to Everyone. I have a voice too (as separate from my People), I call her 'Don't Look Like An Idiot'. I spent a good portion of my childhood being mocked for my appearance and this has left a mark on my psyche. Not for sympathy do I say this, but for exposition. She is the voice in my head who wants me to always be composed, whenever around other people. She demands dignity and grace. She has her place. At fancy restaurants, in most work situations, she is welcome. Not so at auditions or while acting AT ALL.
My friend Katherine and I used to joke that we got into acting to 'be paid to look stupid'. But I've heard time and time again from directors that I need to go further, to let myself go. And I try, I honestly do. But Don't Look Like An Idiot holds me back. "If you make a stupid face, they won't think you're pretty enough to hire', 'don't look dumb, then everyone will laugh at you, 'better not let yourself completely go, remember to keep in control at all times'.
I suppose that's what this leads back to. Control. I'm scared to be out of control, so I don't drink (one of many reasons anyway) and I don't tell ANYONE the whole truth and I hide parts of me because they're messy and gross and stupid. But acting is about using ALL of me to make a character, the messy bits too.
So I have a theme for this year, not a resolution. My theme is 'Fearless'. That's what I need to be. Fearless to look stupid or make silly sounds or make ugly faces at an audition if that's what's called for or fucking go dancing in the rain in the middle of the street on my own. When did I stop doing that? That was super fun. Hey look, it's raining now... *smiles*